5 Quick Thoughts from the VMAs
September 8, 2008

1. MTV totally screwed Britney out of VMA awards while she was making videos that were, if not original and compelling, totally giving every peri- and post-adolescent male a 24-hour hard-on, and then double-screwed her last night by giving her 3 pity awards for a drugged-out video that was 1/8th as fun to watch as any other video she’s ever put out (including that weird one with Stephen Dorff and the semi-suicide).

2. Russell Brand got totally cheated out of mainstream American success (at least for the moment) by doing an award show for a crowd that used to applaud for Marilyn Manson’s cross-dressing performances and now can’t take a purity ring joke.

3. Based on the nominees, winners, and people in attendence, MTV now caters exclusively to prudes.

4. I can’t believe this is the same awards show that I used to watch religiously in the 1990s, that used to do its thing at Radio City Music Hall every year (and one time at Lincoln Center, and with legitimacy at Lincoln Center, at that), that had controversial performances and really hilarious hosts (Chris Rock, I miss you!), that gave people like Nirvana awards, that had cadres of real music celebrities in attendence, that actually set lasting music and performance trends. How far the mighty have fallen.

5. Oh my god, I’m old. (And, seriously? I’m 23. On the verge of 24. MTV should not be making me feel old yet.)

–S

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Jordin Sparks Called Me A Slut. I Didn’t Like It.
September 8, 2008

So last night on the MTV Video Music Awards (which are, like, barely an award show, and that will get a whole other post, and it makes me feel really, really old because I remember when the VMA’s were both good and relatively important), some British comedian who no one ever heard of, but who was actually kinda funny if you have a couple brain cells to rub together (something the MTV crowd lacks, a lot), named Russell Brand implored the US to vote for Barack Obama (yay!) and said he didn’t take those idiotic purity rings that people like Miley Cyrus (who, btw — totes not a virgin, you can tell) and the Jonas Brothers wear serious because they don’t wear them around their cocks. Which, point to Brand.

But apparently that pissed off those purity ring-wearing pansies (quelle surprise!), and later in the show (which I had on mute while I did other things, so I didn’t know it until this morning — look, they said Britney was opening the show and last year when that happened with was a Fail of totally Epic proportions, so I watched ok?) Jordin Sparks (AKA that girl from American Idol) came on stage and said this:

“I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut.”

And I have one thing to say about girls saying that girls who DON’T wear promise rings are sluts: FUCK YOU. I’ve never heard such a rude, girl-hating statement. I am not a slut. Do I have sex? Yes, I most certainly do. I love sex. But having sex is not the same as being a slut, and sleeping with boyfriends and the men I love is different than getting drunk and fucking the first thing I can find with a hard-on.

So go fuck yourself, Jordin. Eventually you too will have sex and you’ll realize that 1. Having sex before marriage does not make you a slut, and 2. You’ve been missing out for A LOT of years.

–S