The Dilemma K Couldn’t Care Less About
September 2, 2008

S: So I’m having a dilemma about The Hills.

On the one hand, it’s kind of mind-numbingly boring. And in the moments where it’s not boring, it’s still mind-numbing. Because if most of these girls have two brain cells to rub together, they’re fucking lucky.

On the other hand, Badass Bi-atch In Charge Kelly Cutrone, Fashion Publicist Extraordinairre (I don’t think I spelled that right), makes fairly regular appearances in which she 1. dresses down, 2. bitches at, 3. makes look like a total fool, or 4. all of the above one or more of these incredibly stupid, shallow girls. In the most hilarious way possible.

On the other OTHER hand, these girls are so shallow and out of touch and self-absorbed, sometimes when I feel like I’m about to have some sort of brain hemhorrage after about 30 seconds of watching.

On the other other OTHER hand, things like THIS happen:

Stephanie then claims that she’s lonely and so she talks to the hamster a lot. I totally thought that was a euphemism for masturbation. It still might be. Because then Lauren asks if it’s a hamster or a guinea pig, and demonstrates how a hamster is smaller. Stephanie claims her pet used to be a hamster, but now it’s a guinea pig. Lauren looks confused, and then, hilariously, so does Stephanie. That was a weird scene. And yet, kind of awesome.

So what do I do? Risk brain hemhorrage, or at the very least a sharp increase in the misanthropy that I’ve already kinda lost control of? Let go of this entirely? I don’t think I can do that. But I’m not ready to die of cranial bleeding yet!

K: I skimmed over the message to see if, at the end, you might have written something like, “And by the way, you’re really gay if you read all that.”

–S

Thanks for the Heart Attack, Showtime
July 29, 2008

So I go over to the Onion AV Club TV Club section this morning because I do it all the time, especially now that they’re recapping/reviewing old episodes of Buffy and X-Files (I have a TV recap addiction which started back in the late 90s when I discovered Mighty Big TV, now known as Television Without Pity), and I see the above picture under their Weeds recap, and the first thing I think is:

Oh my god, A REAL TELEVISION SHOW HIRED HEIDI MONTAG! The world is ending!

Then I realize it’s not her, and am relieved. But thanks, Showtime, I needed an outrage-induced heart attack at 9:38 a.m.

–S

Fake Girls Make Fake Drama, TMZ Reports
July 28, 2008

Heidi Montag is a dumb bitch who needs to create staged photo-ops for publicity every chance she gets so that people are to busy being blinded by her horse-face and fake tits to remember that there is absolutely no reason to give half a shit about her, her life, her “career” or her douchebaggy flesh-colored-beard-wearing boyfriend. That said, I totally watch The Hills unabashadly. And that link takes you to a dumb publicity stunt on TMZ.

–S